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To The Newcomer
Who Is a Cocaine
Addict?
Some of us can
answer without hesitation, "I am!" Others aren't so sure. Cocaine
Anonymous believes that no one can decide for another whether he or
she is addicted. One thing is sure, though; every single one of us
has denied being an addict. For months, for years, we who now freely
admit that we are cocaine addicts thought that we could control
cocaine, when in fact it was controlling us.
"I only use on
weekends," or
"It hardly ever
interferes with work," or
"I can quit, it's
only psychologically addicting, right?"
or:
"I only snort, I don't base or shoot," or
"It's this
relationship that's messing me up."
Many of us are
still perplexed to realize how long we went on, never getting the
same high we got at the beginning, yet still insisting, and
believing -- so distorted was our reality -- that we were getting
from cocaine what actually always eluded us.
We went to any
lengths to get away from being ourselves. The lines got fatter; the
grams went faster; the week's stash was all used up today. We found
ourselves scraping envelopes and baggies with razor blades,
scratching the last flakes from the corners of brown bottles,
snorting or smoking any white speck from the floor when we ran out.
We, who prided ourselves on our fine-tuned state of mind! Nothing
mattered more to us than the straw, the pipe, the needle. Even if it
made us feel miserable, we had to have it.
Some of us mixed
cocaine with alcohol or other drugs, and found temporary relief in
the change, but in the end it only compounded our problems. We tried
quitting by ourselves, finally, and sometimes managed to do so for
periods of time. After a month we imagined we were in control. We
thought our system was cleaned out and we could get the old high
again, using half as much. This time, we'd be careful not to go
overboard. But we only found ourselves back where we were before,
and worse.
We never left the
house without using first. We didn't make love without using. We
didn't talk on the phone without coke. We couldn't fall asleep,
sometimes it seemed we couldn't even breathe without cocaine. We
tried changing jobs, apartments, cities, lovers -- believing that
our lives were being screwed up by circumstances, places, people.
Perhaps we saw a cocaine friend die of respiratory arrest, and still
we went on using! But eventually we had to face facts. We had to
admit that cocaine was a serious problem in our lives, that we were
addicts.
What Brought Us to Cocaine Anonymous?
Some of us hit a
physical bottom. It may have been anything from a nosebleed which
frightened us, to sexual impotence, to loss of sensation in or
temporary paralysis of a limb, to a loss of consciousness and a trip
to an emergency room, to a cocaine-induced stroke that left us
disabled. Maybe it was finally our gaunt reflection in the mirror.
Others of us hit an emotional or spiritual bottom. The good times
were gone, the coke life was over. No matter how much we used, we
never again achieved elation, only a temporary release from the
depression of coming down, and often, not even that. We suffered
violent mood swings. Perhaps we awoke to our predicament after
threatening or actually harming a loved one, desperately demanding
imagined hidden money. We were overcome by feelings of alienation
from friends, loved ones, parents, children, society, from the sky,
from everything wholesome. Even the dealer we thought was our friend
turned into a stranger when we went to him without money. Perhaps we
awoke in dread of the isolation we had created for ourselves; using
alone, suffocated by our self-centered fear and our paranoia. We
were spiritually and emotionally deadened. Perhaps we thought of
suicide, or tried it. Still others of us reached a different sort of
bottom when our spending and lying cost us our jobs, credit, and
possessions. Some of us reached the point that we couldn't even
deal; we consumed everything we touched before we could sell it. We
simply could no longer afford to use. Sometimes the law intervened.
Most of us were brought down by a medley of financial physical,
social, and spiritual problems. When we found Cocaine Anonymous, we
learned that cocaine addiction is a progressive disease, chronic and
potentially fatal. It fit our own experience when we heard that,
contrary to popular myths about cocaine, it is possibly the most
addictive substance known to man. We were relieved to be told that
addiction is not simply a moral problem, that it is a true disease
over which the will alone is usually powerless. All the same, each
of us must take responsibility for our own recovery. There is no
secret, no magic. We each have to quit and stay sober; but we don't
have to do it alone!
What is Cocaine
Anonymous?
We are a
Fellowship of cocaine addicts who meet together to share our
experience, strength, and hope for the purpose of staying sober and
helping others achieve the same freedom. Everything heard at our
meetings is to be treated as confidential. There are no dues or fees
of any kind. To be a member, you only have to want to quit, and show
up. We also exchange phone numbers, and give and seek support from
one another between meetings. We are all on equal footing here.
There are no professional therapists offering treatment, and no one
"runs" the group. Everyone in these rooms is here because he or she
has a desire to stop using cocaine. We are men and women of all
ages, races, and social backgrounds, with the common bond of
affliction. Our program, called the Twelve Steps of Recovery, is
gratefully borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous, whose more than 50
years of experience with substance abuse teaches us that the best
human help an addict can receive is from another addict. Some of us
may first come to C.A. while in a treatment program or seeking
individual psychotherapy. We say, "Fine, do whatever works for you."
We don't pretend to have all the answers, but experience has taught
us that a recovering addict will almost certainly relapse without
the ongoing support of fellow addicts. We welcome newcomers to C.A.
with more genuine warmth and acceptance in our hearts than you can
probably now Imagine - for you are the life blood of our Program. In
great part, it is by carrying the message of recovery to others like
ourselves that we keep our own sobriety. We are all helping
ourselves by helping each other.
What is the First
Thing?
To the newcomer
who wonders what is the first thing he or she must do to achieve
sobriety, we say that you have already done the first thing: You
have admitted to yourself, and now to others, that you need help by
the very act of coming to a meeting or seeking information about the
C.A. program. You are also, at this very moment, doing the next
thing to stay straight: You are not taking the next hit. Ours is a
one-day-at-a-time program. We suggest that you not dwell on wanting
to stay sober for the rest of your life, or for a year, or even a
week. Once you have decided you want to quit, let tomorrow take care
of itself. Just for today, you don't have to use. But sometimes it
is too much for us to project even one whole day drug-free. That's
okay. Just for the next ten minutes, you don't have to use. It's
okay to want it, but you don't have to use it, just for ten minutes.
After ten minutes, see where you are. You can repeat this simple
process as often as necessary, using whatever span of time feels
comfortable. Just for today, you don't have to use! In the C.A.
Fellowship, you are among recovering cocaine abusers who are living
without drugs. Make use of us! Take phone numbers. Between meetings,
you may not be able to avoid contact with drugs and druggies. Some
of us had no sober friends at all when we first came in. You have
sober friends now! When you begin to feel squirrelly, don't wait.
Give one of us a call; and don't be surprised if one of us calls you
when we need help! It may surprise you that we discourage the use of
any mind-altering substances, including alcohol and marijuana. It is
the common experience of addicts in this and other programs that any
drug use leads to relapse or substitute addiction. If you're
addicted to another substance, you'd better take care of it. If
you're not, then you don't need it, so why mess with it? We urge you
to heed this sound advice drawn from the bitter experience of other
addicts. Is it likely you're different? We thought we were happiest
with our cocaine, but we were not. In C.A., we learn to live a new
way of life. We say that it is a spiritual but not a religious
program—our spiritual values are accessible to the atheist as well
as to the devout atheist. We who are grateful recovering cocaine
addicts ask you to listen closely to our stories. That is the main
thing—listen! We know where you're coming from, because we've been
there ourselves. Yet we are now living drug-free, not only that, but
living happily; many of us, happier (than we have ever been before).
Few of us would trade all our years of addiction for the last six
months or year of living the C.A. program of sobriety. No one says
that it is easy to arrest addiction. We had to give up old ways of
thinking and behaving. We had to be willing to change. But we are
doing it, gratefully, one day at a time.
Approved Literature Cocaine Anonymous World Services Inc. ©
2000
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